An open letter to L

Dear L,
A very long time ago I made you a promise I couldn't keep. I told you I would wait for you. After those two years you came back and we picked up right where we left off but the person you came back to was not the same one you left. I was older, wiser, and afraid. I only gave you the half of myself that I knew you couldn't keep.

I'm so sorry I gave up on you. I'm so sorry that I was so wrapped up in protecting myself that I couldn't see how much you were hurting. I'm so sorry that I distanced myself when I saw you coming to me. I'm so sorry that I couldn't make myself available to you.

When I came to visit you in the hospital you told me that I was a good friend. I didn't believe you. I still don't. I saw so much more than I told you I did. I guess you did as well. When I see you in town I don't want to hear about your life. I'm still afraid that if I let you in, I wouldn't be able to protect myself anymore. You're too real to me.

This isn't any sort of atonement for these things. I don't expect a medal or any fanfare. I couldn't keep my promise. I'm sorry. That's all.

-P